1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not
face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object
which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say, ``No.'' and
shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.''
8. After I kidnap the handsome prince, we will be married immediately in a
quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.
If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do
Not Push''. The big red button marked, "Do Not Push'', will instead trigger a
spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the
ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies
alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, ``But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know.''
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
mother.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-off that make them look
like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All
were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive
mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never
utter the line, "`No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death
is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.